Full Service Resort

Upon rushing out of our car (Man, it's HOT,) little girls were given gift bags:

Pink (I GOT TO BUY PINK!) bags, little notebooks, sparkly glittery pencils, little highlighters, flavored lip balm, pop-its and glow sticks and probably other stuff that I forgot...

The big people were given gift bags, too. No raindrops on roses or whiskers on kittens but a little Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf and a a bright Willow Tree. I also brought homemade gazpacho and a little something I baked...

And being a full service resort, Mr. and Mrs. Swanie helped me unpack my car. (Man, it's HOT.)

Children were fed made to order lunches (hot dogs or pb&j) because every full service resort has a kitchen. Mrs. Swanie even provided family favorites such as macaroni salad and the really really good kind of salt and vinegar potato chips, for those of us who adore those (Sweet But Sneaky and myself) and regular ol' yellow Lays for others (Captain Stubborn.)

This particular resort also offers shuttle service to local attractions and because we're the only guests of the resort, that means I get pretty personalized service. Mrs. Swanie and I had a mission: Get PerkyMommy into a bathing suit. Cabana Boy Bob also serves at Camp Swanie as Kid Club Captain Bob (aka Child Care Provider.) So with that, Bob was officially in charge of all five children while Mrs. Swanie and I attended to important girl-time- I mean, business.

I had been shopping for weeks trying to find what I wanted: I pair of swim shorts and a long "tankini" style top. Unfortunately, I was not finding anything. When Mrs. Swanie pointed out that I could get a one-piece and just put shorts on over it, I felt like I had hope. Mrs. Swanie reported that here in Arizona, Costcos were full of one-piece Speedo bathing suits for only $20. The Camp Swanie Resort Gift Shop happened to have two one-piece Speedos in stock for me to try on when I arrived, however, the cut was a little too boob-a-licious for a 30-something-year-old PerkyMommy. I am sure DaddyDoc would have appreciated the cut but me? Not so much.

Off we went to the mall. When we got out of the car, it should be noted that the temperature on the car thermometer reported 122 degrees outside. Mrs. Swanie said "Ok, just so you know, this is really hot, even for us." Fortunately, malls have air conditioning.

Our quest began in Dillards where we tried on the most inappropriately-sized shorts ever invented. Mrs. Swanie also lambasted their sizing so I know it was not me. I embrace my size and these were not my size. Mrs. Swanie also tried to convince me to embrace an Addidas running skirt that was on sale. The running skirt embraced me but it embraced me way too low and with way too much muffin top and old-lady knees. We left Dillards with one black bathing suit and two very very well discounted running skirts for Mrs. S.

The battle half-won, we went to Eddie Bauer where we found lovely, appropriately sized black shorts perfect for swimming... on sale. We also found sports tanks for our half- (and/or full as the case may be) marathon training... on sale, sporty lightweight windbreakers perfect for touring a theme park located in a very humid region... on sale, and lovely thick t-shirts... on sale. Mrs. S and I very thoughtfully saved our husbands quite a bit of money at Eddie Bauer. We are such good, thoughtful wives that way.

At this point, having procured bathing suits and athletic wear, Mrs. S and I did what came naturally, we dragged each other into the depths of bad influence. Mrs. S explained to me that it was my obligation to sample a cookie from one of her favorite bakeries, Paradise Bakery. Remembering that I want to be a good guest with appropriate social graces, I agreed. On the way to Paradise, we found a Harry and David store. I felt it was only fair that in exchange for Mrs. S introducing me to Paradise, I might introduce her to the Harry and David almond sandwich cookie with jam filling. 

Laden down with our bags, Mrs. S and I returned to the Camp Swanie Resort Shuttle in the asphalt parking lot and then the resort. (Man, it's HOT!)

Despite the fine care of Kids Club Captain Bob (we are of the belief that Bob lounged on the couch watching TV while the children played, but considering that no children were injured during our absence, he clearly did his job well,) we found our children anxiously anticipating our return when we arrived. 

POOL TIME!!! (Man, it's HOT!)

Cabana Boy Bob had placed the umbrella in the shallow end for me while Mrs. Swanie laid out a towel, but I ended up in the pool with them. We swam. We cooled off. The Camp Swanie Resort Security Patrol (which performs double duty as the Life Guard,) swam, too. (An American Eskimo named Macey. Camp Swanie Resorts pride themselves on their diversified staffing.) Even Captain Stubborn, finally after 4 years of swim lessons, loves to swim! Cabana Boy Bob offered me a mai tai but I just was not ready.

After our swim, it was mai tai time and this is where the resort staff really stepped up to the luxury plate. As I reclined in the lounge, the Cabana Boy brought me a MaiTai. He barbecued hamburgers and served them made-to-order to all of the children. The staff repeatedly reminded me that I was not to remove my spoiled tush from my position. And so I did not, at least not until it was time for me to eat. 

At bedtime, all five children piled into one room with three on air mattresses and two in the bunk beds. And then, they crashed. 

And while all of Camp Swanie's guest rooms have ceiling fans in them, running full-time (have I mentioned that it's a tad warm?) so far, I had not spotted any underwear on them.